It has been a while since I posted on this thing. I’ve been in a whirlwind at the moment swinging from magazine deadlines, college assignments, work and “me time”, I just haven’t felt the need to sit down and have a good ol’ rant on the blog.
However I remembered that the entire purpose of setting this blog up was to gain support as I find my way to happiness, something I have not yet experienced. I am well and truly set on my path to internal serenity, which was indeed kick started by my first post and some of the helpful and encouraging comments I received. The second thing which helped me along was making amends with Larry, which is outlined in my previous post. The third thing which has me on my way is, I am slightly ashamed to say, a self help book.
I picked up “the secret” after it was recommended to me and it has me thinking more positively as I train my brain to create a happier life. I am not utterly miserable anymore and I feel in control of my life, a new sensation for me. I completely believe it, word for word, and I can see myself becoming a happier person. I am more devoted to my own happiness than ever. The book put me into a healthier frame of mind, which led to me being able to see clearer, and realise that I actually needed guidance. I have had two guidance sessions in college so far, and I can not tell you how relieving it is to talk to someone without being accused of being a moan. I feel free now, I can be whoever I want to be, and I can talk through my problems until I feel more positive.
I’ve never felt so stress free. and I don’t care that I’m single anymore, I’m only interested in me for the moment. I need to be happy by myself before I can be happy with someone else.
Larry, text me out of the blue yesterday. I think I mentioned it before, but I sent him a really long email, basically just getting everything out of my mind. I sent this at the beginning of September, and he claims he only got it now.
As I said in an earlier blog a lot of serious stuff went on between Larry and I, that which I’m not sure I’m ready to post about yet. Basically the email said sorry for everything, but especially sorry for letting him drive me insane. It was nice of him to text. I never expected a reply, he’s not like that, he’s selfish, but he text me to ask how I have been. I was texting him all last night, but as I am sure he has a girlfriend I was a little sketchy. Especially when I was telling him about how broke I am, and he asked if it was because I still spend all my money on expensive lingerie. Such a creep isn’t he? Anyway, he was telling me he keeps an eye on the articles I have printed, which really put me off colour, why would he even care what I get printed and where if he never cared about me at all? Men are confusing.
This morning I re-deleted his number and all the messages, which I think is very strong of me. I wanted to give him a second chance, a chance to show that he is adult enough to be friends with me, but the part of me that is falling gradually out of love with him was telling me to not be such a fool. There was only one reason he text me, and I’m sure I don’t have to spell that out for you. So I deleted him…again. For the last time! when I see him yes I will talk to him, and I will put him straight if he even tries to put the moves on me.
The weird thing about him texting me was that for the last month I have been trying to find out what this song I kept hearing was. It was the song I heard and thought “that’s what I would love to say to him if I had the chance.” (We all have one of those songs don’t we?) Then when I was on the way to college it came on the radio. I typed some of the lyrics and there it was, the song that was written from my rebuilt heart. The song that made me realise that I’m strong again, and I can say no to him now. And then a few hours later, he text me: “Hey whats up its [Larry] only read your email there, hows you” and now I just can’t stop singing that song on the top of my lungs! “so you wanna now me now?” I can’t stop smiling. He doesn’t own me anymore, I got the woman back, that he stole.
I am aware that my life, my financial position more particularly, is not the worst that anyone has had to put up with, there are people living on the streets, people squatting in shitty little abandoned flats, but I still think I should be allowed a little self-pitying for how things are going for me at the moment.
What brought this on? My christmas present budget list. I’ll bring you up to date. Basically the recession (yeah I used the R word!) has completely fucked me over, and the Irish government do nothing for people like me who are stuck in the middle. I’m not rich enough to get by even slightly comfortably, but my family isn’t poor enough to get governmental benefits. I live with my parents and I am currently in college, and we all no the student cliche..POOR!! I have found a temporary job which will get me around 130 a week, 50 of this a week I will hand up to my parents, they deserve it after all, i’m still here! then a month will go on saving for an eye test, then the rest will go on everyone else for christmas, which I have no issues with, but i can’t go on living like this!!
I can’t afford boots for the winter, which means I am still walking around in 4 (Celsius) degrees weather in my summer shoes.Not even the €21 ones I have had my eye on. When I got home tonight, my toes were purple and I was sure that by this time tonight, I would be the toeless wonder. When it rains it is worse. Soaked from top to bottom, and a pool of dirty water swimming around my bare toes. Worse still. I can’t afford the bus now. I will have to walk to college and work from tomorrow onwards, rain or no rain. That’s 15 minutes to and from work and an hour to and from college. What am I going to do? People shouldn’t have to live like this, I did nothing to deserve this, all I have ever done is try to get a job that I can keep. I have never been sacked, but it seems temps is all anyone wants these days.
I have one question, do you, like me, think that employers seem to be jumping on the band wagon by hiring only temps, and it is only lending to the awful situation we have come to be in?
Society can’t seem to make it’s mind up about what is acceptable and what is not in the world of sexual politics.
Apparently in our modern society it is ok for women to have multiple sex partners. This is the symbol of an empowered woman, a woman who knows what she wants a woman, a woman who is sure of herself and comfortable with her body, no matter what the shape or size. However, the older school of thought is still amidst us. A woman who is promiscuous, is a woman of low moral standards and no self esteem. I think the idea that a woman is empowered because she allows herself to be used for sex by multiple men is disgusting. You may argue, well what’s to stop her being the one who is using, maybe she wants some no-strings fun, well maybe she does, but at the end of the day she feels ashamed and lonely, and only has herself to blame.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the same of men. I know plenty of men who sleep with lots of women and think it makes them a man. However, most of these men have been hurt by women, which lead them to go through a trail of women, who were easy to convince, woman who had as little self-esteem as themselves. I personally feel sickened by any man who has slept with a string of women, especially one who isn’t ashamed, it shows that he is insecure and a slave to what society says. I also think anyone woman who settles for this kind of man has severe self-esteem issues, how can any woman commit to a man who has claimed change in the past but just continued on his path of the sexual and emotional destruction of women.
I have slept with five people, of those, I was committed to two, one of which I was in love(at least I thought I was until I discovered what love really is), and was madly in love with the third. The other two were friends, who I don’t regret in the slightest. But women my age, GIRLS younger than me have slept with more than that, because they thought it was acceptable, or because they felt so insecure that a man showing he wanted to have sex with her was all they needed to find some shred of self confidence. Its the same for men, they sleep with as many women as they can because they think it makes them valid, and yet I get called a slut sometimes because I can openly talk about sex and because I am not ashamed that I enjoy it. I think you can see from my “magic number” I’m not a slut.
The eternal question- why do people think it is ok to have sex with just anybody?
I took four sleeping tablets, recommended to take 1, but I havmt had a restful sleep in way too long, I want to not feel tension in my back as soon as I wake up. This blog is awful. The keys are moving farther and farther away and going in circles. I feel great, floopy and happy, and just chilled for the first time in weeks. Having images of getting children out a creche? What the hell is that about? I can hear “go on go come along children” why would that come into my head.
I decided to write this just to see the response of someone wring on drugs. sleeping drugs but I feel fairly confused and the desk is holding me captive the other person who was part of me has left.
Well the night went off with out a hitch, Larry didn’t show, the evening was great, I love to catch up with old friends, and I got a great toy in my happy meal. A tractor, that I could decorate whatever way I wanted. Its the little things in life.
I think I have gotten over Larry. Usually I can’t enjoy occasions such as last night because I’m always on edge, thinking every fairly short, black curly haired man is him. But I didn’t give a flying shit last night. I had fun, danced talk to old friends, made a few new ones (all female though so nothing to report) Where Jason is concerned I’ve been sticking to my guns of not talking to him, however.. I was desperate to find more people to come out with me last night as one or two bailed, so I text him asking him to come, without really wanting him to come. something along the lines of “I’m rrrrreaaaalllly stuck and i’ve asked all my good friends so if you could come you’d be doing me a favour” unsurprisingly he said no, well I wouldn’t agree to that either would you?
Now I’m spending my Sunday afternoon doing a bit of writing work and waiting for my Sunday roast dinner to cook. I haven’t felt this happy in a very long time, and it’s all my doing, nothing to do with any penises. go me.
…since I had sex…and last night I wanted to pull my hair out.
My last mark of madness through self-inflicted celibacy was 4 months, that was four months after Larry, and that was when I effectively ruined what could have been a fantastic friendship by sleeping with my acquaintance/friend of a friend, Jason, because every little thing turned me on. Sex with Jason reoccurred a few times, and tomorrow morning it will be exactly two weeks since I last made boom boom.
I wanted to die last night I was in that bad a state. Not in the depressive way, in the lying-awake-until-4-in-the-morning-because-i’m-so-damn-horny! way. This brings me back to my worries outlined in yesterday’s post, my libido!! If I’m like this tomorrow night, I will have no control over what I do or what I whisper in Larry’s ear, my vagina will be my master! and I REALLY don’t want to have sex with Larry, not like that anyway. It literally got to the point where I was lying with my hands on face talking to my thoughts “get out, get out, GET OUT.”
I tried all the alternatives, reading, but it just wasn’t stimulating enough, college assignments, but they were too confusing for my one track mind, and finally late-night facebooking, but then I discovered all the sex quizzes and that just made it worse. Why does the whole fuck buddy thing always have to end up so complicated? I wouldn’t be in this mess if Jason wasn’t so awkward!
I think I have concluded that I am at my most productive when sexually satisfied. How the hell am I supposed to function in my abstinence if I’m such a horn-dog? Should I take up crocheting? Hmm…
I mentioned in yesterdays blog, my “one that got away”, Larry. Larry is like a rash that just won’t go away. I don’t text him, email him, or anything, I certainly don’t let him touch me with his paws! But he keeps popping up everywhere, on my way home from work, on the bus, in the train station, pubs clubs, mutual friends on facebook, and I just feel like I’m being punished.
A lot happened between us, which I’m not quite ready to divulge on my blog. But I feel like because of these things, some force is pushing me into his path. I love him. I love him so much that I don’t want to be with him. Of course part of me wants to be with him, I want him to hold me, to keep me safe, and I want to mind him too. But it’s not what he wants, and more so than my own selfish needs, I need him to be happy.
Anyway, if you’re reading this you’re probably wondering what D-day is meant to mean. Well basically we have mutual friends, that’s how we came to know each other, sort of. Every now and then an occasion comes up which forces me to be in the same room as him, and one of these times is coming up this Saturday. I have recruited my best friends who will help me to face the music. But this is worse than ever. Other times it was awkward. This time I will be hiding underneath the nearest chair to avoid him. I did the classic broken hearted thing, of sending an email saying I was sorry, that he doesn’t really know me, and that I have never been so in love with anyone or anything in my whole life. Of course he didn’t email me back because he wants me to disappear as much as I want him to.
Well done, Nikki, right? The last time I saw him I ignored him while he blatantly stared at me from the dance floor. Next time I spoke to him and he told me he was there I simply said “oh that’s funny, I didn’t see you, such a small place!” I know. I’m incredibly smooth.
Why did I have to declare my unyielding and unreciprocated love for him, via email of all media, when I knew he’d cross paths with me again!? The last time he was very courteous, he did the honorable thing of not showing up. Nice of him. But the odds of him missing this one are slim. slim slim slim. And I am stressed stressed stessed. What I will wear? How will I act? How will I do my hair? what lipstick will a chose?should I bring a fake boyfriend?
What worries me most is my libido! I am a very sexual person. One Heineken and I start to tingle. Something he, as my former fuck buddy, is well aware of. If he hasn’t got a girlfriend, what’s to stop him from putting the moves on me? Now I would say no, now I would say feck off and find someone with no self-esteem. But all the same, after a few Heinekens and the touch of his perfect skin off mine, I’ll fall in love all over again, and then spend the next two days crying into my pillow.
Maybe I’ll be lucky. Maybe he has swine flu?!
and I’m sick of things being shit. I am a woman, and a woman has needs, but how can these needs be satisfied, if I am a magnet for complete and utter man-ho’s!! Basically the last two men I have had sex with, are raging sex fiends, with no respect for themselves or any of the hundreds of women they’ve tossed on to the door step. The first, I was stupid enough to fall for, and I’ve yet to get back on my feet (lets call him Larry) the second (we’ll call him Jason), was good at what he did, but his endless list of classless sluts that lay on the same sheets as me, put me right off him. Quite frankly, he terrifies me. God knows what’s under his foreskin.
I f you have read the “about” section of my page you will already know that I don’t believe in love. Not Love-love, as they say. I fell completely in love with Larry, I still love him and always will. But he didn’t feel remotely the same for me, and well i’ve pretty much cried for 78% of the nights since then. I just need someone who doesn’t see me as some kind of sex vessel, some I like, and think is good looking, who wants me back.
So I’m asking for a little help, a little encouragement from people who aren’t my friends, and therefore won’t be full of shit cliches that mean nothing. I want you to join me on my journey of, I suppose some kind of self discovery, but also, and more importantly, my quest to find a man who is good looking, good in bed, without the severe possibility of having contracted some kind of disease after sleeping his way out of his self-hatred. One that is for keeps for once!
